As my dad answered the phone this afternoon he was not greeted with a hello or how are you… Instead, with lots of sarcasm, I greeted him with, “well just give me my mother of the year award now.” In the last 3 weeks…maybe 4… the Hartman house has had one bug after another. From croup to now a fever, unidentifiable rash, and random puking on the way to see the doctor today. So, as I explained the puking ordeal to my father and how I had to carry my daughter into the office in a diaper and a blanket, his response was that at least I had the blanket. Thanks dad.
But oh is he right. I have broken into tears the last few weeks. I’ve been angry and moody. I have felt this constant shame, like I am failing my daughter. Let’s be real though, what I am dealing with currently is just a drop in a vast ocean for some. Other parents are dealing with terminal illnesses, surgeries, life altering disabilities. And, I am over here breaking down because my child just threw up in the car.
I’m going to paraphrase here, but a wonderful friend, mentor, and motherly figure put it this way: If we knew everything that went into being parents; the lack of sleep, the stress, the worrying, the dealing with sickness; the race would die out. No one would have children.
As I stop to ponder this, it is overwhelmingly true. After finding out I was pregnant I didn’t day dream about croup and fevers. I dreamed of my little girl playing and talking. I thought about her clothes and her room. I thought about all the things I wanted her to know. But, never did I think about the times I would have to hold her while she cries out in pain. If we only knew….
Momma’s reading this, some of you are currently on the green grass where everything is going smoothly. You are blessed. Some of you are in a barren land where you feel like there is never any good news. I am so sorry, I can’t begin to imagine what that is like. But, to the momma’s on the burnt grass… I feel ya.
We dream of our babies being perfect. Doing everything right on schedule. They have amazingly healthy immune systems, and you never have to take off work. When none of the dreams pan out, you feel defeated. You hear others referencing your late bloomer with judgmental tones. It can bring you to tears. But momma, it is okay. My child won’t eat half the stuff other kids do. My child has to go to bed at 7:30 and no I can’t just lay her in the crib and walk away. No, my child didn’t sit up on her own till she was 8.5 months, she didn’t crawl till 10 months, and she didn’t start walking until 3 weeks ago (while dealing with croup). While others have made little statements about it, the doctor and I just laugh. We both know that my daughter’s head is huge, so she has to grow into it. Also, she has a stubborn will. No idea who she got that from.
My point is, in 5 years no one is going to ask her when she started walking and use that as a judge of character or intelligence. Babies move in their own time and there is nothing wrong with that. My child has been abnormally sick. It is just a season, this time will pass. So, momma’s in the burnt grass lift your head high. Stop beating yourself up and feeling like a failure. You were given this little one for a purpose. If we only knew before bringing them into the world, we may not have that bundle of joy to give our all to.
the HART of life 